Circles in the Land of Angles
THE CRAB – IN ENGLAND
I love learning where words come from. England, according to wikipedia, comes from the Old English Englaland, the “Land of the Angles”, the Angles being a German Tribes from the Middle ages. Learn something new every day – I always assumed it meant ‘my land” or something unoriginal like that.. you know, like the naming of all the monuments in Sydney: the “Harbour Bridge” for a bridge across the harbour, the “Opera House” for the theatre where opera is played , the “Centerpoint” tower for the tallest tower in the center of the city. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I mean, it does make sense even if its a little boring.
Anyway, back to the Circles in the Land of Angles…
These four shots are the latest to join my “Crab” series, taken during my July trip to Oxford and London in July.
Tower bridge, London
Farmoor Reserve, Oxfordshire UK
Some ruins near Oxford
Buckingham Palace
I was hoping to make it to Paris and get some shots in front of Arc de Triomphe, Eiffel Tower, and go to Barcelona and Rome – but the peak holiday period made tripping around much less enticing… the South of France was lovely and I think I got another “crab” shot there but they’re buried in my files so I’ll have to save that for another story.
Depression
Sometimes life just sucks. For no reason in particular. And for every reason in particular. You know that feeling? Or am I the only one…
The funny thing is that nothing has really changed. I’m still living with my Opa, I’m still at uni, I’m still writing and reading and living life doing the things I love. But I feel shit.
Granted my Opa is wasting away before my eyes, he hardly eats anything any more and at 94 is on the brink of, well, of death.
The sunroom I study in used to be paradise, sun streaming inside and looking out to a wall of green trees and vines; but a new fence and conscientious gardeners tore it down.
It’s cold and raining, and feels as if it’s been grey skies forever (even if it’s only been a few days).
It takes a lot of energy and stubbornness to keep optimism in regards to the subjects I’m studying. Things really don’t look good for humanity’s future and reading one or two articles that reinforce humanity’s greed, my attitude easily shifts to a more pessimistic perspective.
Now I have to pull out another essay on poverty and sustainability, within the next 14 days, and prepare for a very tough exam. That will be the completion of my Masters, and I have to figure out what the heck comes next. I’ve been trying to find a supervisor for a PhD but it’s proving more difficult than I had thought (and has to be done in the next 4 days). I also have interview with a big corporate company I don’t want to work for, urgh!
On top of all this I have a slipped into a routine of two or more coffees a day, half a block of chocolate or more, and a chips & a beer or two at night – each one justified by my circumstances “I deserve it” don’t I?
All of the above is doing my head in. I feel tired. I feel shit. I feel fat. I feel tired. I don’t have a boyfriend. I lost my ipod. I think I’ll go and eat worms.
I have friends who do cheer me up. My mentor brought me a coffee this morning, talked me through my essay, and provided me encouragement and direction. Told me to put some of my worries, like about the state of humanity, on the sideline for now. To acknowledge that I am going to stay here while my Opa gets closer to leaving this world, it is going to be hard. I know that.
My friend Charlie told me yesterday that in order to have the positivist, optimism and idealistic attitude I generally have toward humanity and our planet, I have to experience these pessimistic, sceptical, depressive states; and that I should accept it. I do accept it. But it doesn’t make it any easier to get through it.
Another thing playing on my mind is something I realised as I watched Ten Canoes last night (a movie set in Australia prior to the arrival of the British). Even in nomadic hunter/gatherer cultures you see conflict and struggles, mostly over women.
Men by nature are powerful fighters, and what do they want? Women. As many women as possible. And to spread their seed, create the strongest tribe. Has man really evolved from this state? Are women still the most desired object for a man?
Are capitalist quests undertaken in the same vein as quests throughout history – quests to impress women and get the best woman or win sex with as many as they can? In Marilyn’s words, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” – if women want diamonds and nice “things”, are impressed by fancy cars, money, housing, holidays – security and easy life etc…. – then is that why men in our culture strive so hard for wealth?
Does this mean that if you change what women are attracted to, men will change to win the women? If women are attracted to men who really care about the world, attracted to creativity rather than capital, and if they are turned off by wealth (it is possible, I know because I am one of these women), – then maybe wealth accumulation will slip to the sideline, and we will get back to prioritising the things that are really important: relationships, love, achieving our potential, expressing our true selves.
Hey, is that a hint of optimism starting to come back?
I just wanna feel like I felt posing for the picture at the top of this page (taken by Wendell Teodoro in King St Wharf in 2008). I wanna feel invincible, like I can achieve anything, a ‘superwoman’ like in Alicia Keys song, do you know the one? She described so much of what I am feeling:
“Everywhere I’m turning nothing seems complete
I stand up and I’m searching for the better part of me
Hang my head from sorrows – state of humanity
Wearing on my shoulders, gotta find the strength in me”
“For all the mothers fighting, for better days to come
All my women sitting here trying to come home before the sun
All my sisters coming together saying yes I will yes I can
Why is that? Cause I am, Superwoman, Yes I am.”
Writing about it helps. Posting it, sharing it with the world – I don’t know if that’s a good thing to do but it does make me feel a little better. I guess in this strange digital network of individual identities, we communicate and at least our minds can connect and become more than what we are in our separateness. I guess if humanity is approaching apocalyptic catastrophe, at least we are all facing it together.
Live life for money
Live life for money
Accumulate many things
Get into debt
Rejoice what this brings:
…
More work, less time
Fear material loss
Forget impermanence
Decay of time is boss
…
What’s left is a story
A story of Capital
Of slavery to a system
Of exploitation, greed and battle
…
The poor are famished
So the “rich” can get fat
Anti-depressants prescribed
Are we blind as a bat?
…
Like vampires we suck
Our earth’s blood dry
Chop down our trees,
Destroy clean air supply
…
Our planet is straining
Millions to billions in 200 years
Our reckless neglect
Brings no one to tears
…
“A tax on emissions
will solve everything”
“But it’s not my fault!”
Libs continue to sing
…
No one is responsible
The bottom line rules
Here we are dictated to
By a whole bunch of fools
…
Copenhagen approaches
We need to think BIG
Look past the next election
Shift the system to peace
…
A communistic-capitalism?
Valuing lives over wealth
Stop consuming, stop exploitation
Start planning, love in action.
At the precipice…
“Only on the brink of disaster do people find the will to change.” “Our sun was dying, we had to evolve.” “Nothing ever truly dies. Everything simply transforms.”
(I found these quotes in my diary. I think they are from The Day the Earth Stood Still.)
What will it take for us to change? Our future comes at a price – to human lifestyles and choices.
There are few planets hospitable to life. We are ridiculously lucky to be here. AND to be self-aware is a miracle to say the least. Are we going to throw all this away just so we can drive our cars, fly our planes, motor our boats and eat our copious amounts of food???
I’m not sure exactly what any solutions are. But they do start with us…
Last night at midnight I handed in the most difficult essay I’ve every written (thank god for email and midnight deadlines!) It is for a subject called Politics of World Economy, and I titled the essay “Addressing a Structural Violence in the International Political Economy”. I better wait till its marked till i post it, so today instead I decided to just post the reflections that follow on from it which, of course, I had to start from the biggest picture possible…
A macro perspective of our place in space and time reveals three things:
1. An awe of existence;
2. An awe of our place in the evolving creation of an increasingly complex universe;
3. An awe that humans are actually aware of #1&2.
A similar perspective draws one’s attention to the potential calamities resulting from:
4. Over-population, vast inequalities, abusive power structures, over-consumption, and habitat-destruction – effectively placing humanity on a path heading toward extinction;
5. Conflicts rising from with identity, religious, cultural and ideological battles that largely result from #4;
6. A lack of the macro perspective of #1-5, which may lead to an even earlier extinction than forcasted.
Analysis of the international political economy shows that:
7. Global capitalism places with power not in the hands of governments, but in the hands of those with capital; while those in debt (through mortgages, credit cards, or even paying rent on your apartment/house) are in effect their slaves;
8. Capitalism is based on market expansion ie increasing consumption – one thing our planet can no longer handle. Stop consuming = system failure.
9. Social and environmental responsibility is diffused throughout the system so that no individuals feel responsible for anything outside of economic profits and losses.
So who is going to make a change?
10. Governments are representatives of the people’s priorities- the stability of our bank accounts and property markets. Governments are often too short-sighted (and focused on the next election) to work toward any real long-term solutions.
11. A change of economic structure to one that does not prioritise capital accumulation regardless of the social and environmental destructive consequences – requires a change in values – the values of the people at the top, and the people on the ground.
12. Appealing to “enlightened self-interest” – with a widespread realisation that continuing on our current trajectory will, without a doubt, end with devastating calamity – seems to be the only way a change is possible.
“At the precipice we change”… well guess what ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at the precipice… so we better frickin change!!! Two hundred years ago the world population was 900 million, now it is what like 6 billion!!! Capitalism and industrialisation has caused the humanity to increase by 600%. Insane! What are we? Some kind of virus rampantly spreading across earth’s surface, killing off everything in our path and murdering our host in the process? And kids are still popping out of mother’s bellies at continuing exponential proportions. If this is not the precipice I don’t know what is.
An opportunity stands before us, an opportunity to TRANSFORM. An opportunity to take our old ways of thinking and acting, and create new ones. To take a humanity trapped in a culture-ideology of consumerism ridden with identity battles over religion and politics, and to transform it into one that allows us to realise our intrinsic connection to all life and our planet, and allows us to pursue our individual and collective life purposes in the evolving creation of our increasingly complex universe.
Just like this little lady beetle we have arrived at the precipice and we have a choice: learn to fly, or die!!!
Death, life-commitments & a horse’s penis
Lake Titicaca
It all began on Friday morning when my Opa said to me “I’m not well. I’m feeling dizzy.” I held his hand. He was freezing. I called the Doctor, and then the ambulance. I put a blanket on him, the heater next to him and lay his chair flat. He was getting colder and more faint – as if the life force was slowly evaporating. He’s 94 and I’ve lived with him for two and a half years. “You’re ready for this” I told myself as I I held back the tears and then tried my best to hide them when I could hold them back no longer. In my mind this was it.
But it wasn’t. A quick ride in the ambulance and a long day in the Emergency Ward, the colour returned to his face, his life-force returning to circulate his blood and animate his bones. He is still in the hospital recovering from some strange infection that managed to lower his temperature to 33.5 degrees. The doctors still can’t identify where the infection was, or where it came from. Life conquered death once again. Apparently this 94 year man still has enough reasons to kick on a little longer on our dying planet and inside our funny little human reality.
In the time that has passed since Friday’s scare, my life has shifted from photographing 150 people full-of-life live life to the full at my sister’s engagement party; to creating systems and designing database reports for various departments of my Dad’s business; to today’s adventures riding horses along the Hawkesbury River (one of the myriad prizes my Mum wins in random magazine competitions) which unfortunately included a very disturbing image of the longest pee ever spurting out of the hugest penis I’ve ever seen (not that I’ve seen that many)… ewwwwww!!! I really didn’t need to see that thank you Pluto (my horse for the day that definitely had no sense of decency.) Following two hours of trotting through rain forest the five of us hobbled as if we were my Opa’s age back to our cushioned car seats for a far more comfortable drive back to Sydney.
Strangely enough I found the experience enlightening for the essay I’ve been working on in every moment in between the above (ahhh it’s due in less than a week) on the relationship between agency and structure of the World Political Economy. I’m trying to identify how the structure of our economic and political system causes poverty and who has the power to do anything about it – to which I’m hoping hoping the answer is you & me.
Praying to the universe it wasn’t my day to fall off and break my back I dug my heels into the innocent horse’s sides and pulled tight the reins and using my stern voice so he knows “who the master is” as I’d been instructed and I found myself comparing human’s approach to animals to human’s approach to humans. I guess it came down to a few things: 1. Slavery 2. Self-determination and 3. What was my part in all this.
If I was a horse I would want to be a wild horse where I could gallop where I liked when I liked, free to be me. Self-determination. Similarly if I was born in a country of the “developing world” I would want to be able to live my own culture or choose to be part of the global culture, whether or not we actually want to “develop”, and whichever we choose I’d want it to happen in a way that wasn’t positioning me in a global economy that effectively takes from the poor and gives to the rich. Slavery surrounds us. Not only these people in “poor” countries who work for nothing so that people in “rich” countries can work less and get all the materialistic things they want. But even the “not-so-rich” in the “rich” countries are slaves to mortgages and dreams about the joys of retirement that by the time we get there we are too old and sick to enjoy. What does it come down to? Self-determination. Empowerment to make choices for oneself. Self-determination is even the answer to my issues with religion. Education rather than indoctrination so to empower individuals to articulate and question rather than accept and blindly adhere to.
To say my mind is a bit scrambled with these juxtaposition of events is an understatement but strangely enough rambling about it to the world helps, even if just a little. The very strange thing about all of these things that have happened in the last four days, from near-death to life-commitments to slavery of humans and horses is that they have one thing in common: they all surround us. We may not be conscious of all these things all the time, but they are all existing simultaneously, side-by-side.
So what is my part in all this? Well at least on the political-economic landscape I’m hoping my research will point to people like me - individuals living in the developed world – who actually do have the power to, together, stand up and make a difference. I think with all issues, be they empowering individuals (human or animal) the ability to make choices for themselves we together can change anything. I’m not saying, per say, that we shouldn’t train horses for us to ride them, but I do feel a certain empathy towards the horse destined to walk tiny trails with 80kg men hoisted on their backs and never fulfill it’s dreams of being wild and free. I was once a tamed horse living that mundane existence where every day was determined by someone with greater power. I am now a wild horse. I have (at least in some small part) escaped boundaries society dictates and I feel free (at least in some small way) to determine my own destiny. If a horse wants to run away and be wild there is really nothing but it’s mind, the way it has been conditioned to behave, that is holding it back.
All in all I have had a good weekend: my Opa didn’t die, my sister is happily engaged, I didn’t fall off my horse, and my essay ideas are slowly evolving in exciting ways. Now I just have to write down these ideas and reduce them into the tiny 3500 word-limit within the 6 days… keep your fingers crossed for me…
The Animal Question: Darwin’s Bastards
I’m working on a concept for an upcoming exhibition entitled “Darwin’s Bastards” that will be held at Verge Galleries on City Road in November. I’m not yet sure yet my photos will be accepted but it has been an interesting exercise to contemplate how Darwin’s theory has been modified and adapted, how it has been used and misused, and how we might transcend the theoretical application and consider the practical implications of life’s origins on our lives today.
From the vantage point of 2009 it seems that over the last hundred years humanity has journeyed through a dizzying circling of paradigm shifts (a few I will discuss below) and fear-induced retreats to pre-modern mentalities (leading to Fundamentalist paradigms embedded in ideological identities). It is time to return to the origins hence this series explores the islands where Darwin’s theory first began. Like Darwin, I was 26 years old when I set foot on the Galapagos – a group of islands that lie an hour’s flight from the mainland of Ecuador.
On arrival I immediately felt different. I looked around and wondered if Darwin too knew deep inside the significance his experience would have on his life and on the world. Not that my experience will have nearly the effect of Darwin’s but surrounded by a strange world where animals treat you as if you are one of them, something in my gut told me my experience there would be life-changing. A later book written by Darwin is called The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals makes me think Darwin might have had similar impressions to mine.
These photos reflect just some of such moments. It’s not just the fact that you are surrounded by sealions, iguanas, turtles, birds and insects, and it was their deep thoughts, expressions of emotions, and human-like interactions and family feuds, that brought me back to a key question of evolution: The Animal Question.
This year is the Year of Darwin. It has been 150 years since the Theory of Evolution was unleashed on the unsuspecting public, and just look at where it as taken us… a theory of life that that should have connected all life under a collective identity has backfired and out of fear and frustration Fundamentalist movements – be they religious, atheist or ideological – have escalated to levels like never before. Globablisation has placed different religions, cultures and often what are perceived as clashing world-views side by side with the threat of a “clash of civilisations” said to be waiting just around the corner.
In many circles Darwin’s theory has been denounced as just that, “a theory”, and children be they of religious, atheist or agnostic parents are presented with a choice: religion OR science. Believe in God and mystery OR evolution and life with no meaning. So I ask: what happened to the “AND”? Why is the commonality of the two so often avoided? Is it so hard to see that while religion questions “why?” science answers “how?” Are science and religion two sides to the same coin?
I can’t understand why children are rarely presented with a meta-narrative of evolution and history, and engaged to recognise the limitations and seek answers to its gaps. Instead at school we were presented with isolated segments of history “today we will learn about Ancient Sumer, and tomorrow Ancient Babylon”… what kid would not fall asleep at such a suggestion? Is it not much more interesting to draw a line on the black board and say, this is what scientists believe to be the 14 billion year history of the universe, and this little cm section here on the right is the 6000 years of history us humans have actually got a written history to support. Tell the children that we have no evidence that tells us how the first atom appeared, and that we have various dating techniques that tell us about the points in between: the age of our sun, our earth, the reign of the dinosaurs; and then go into detail on Ancient cultures from the perspective of how this has led to the evolution of human consciousness into the society, culture, education and lifestyles we take for granted as ‘normal’ today. To note that all of what we are surrounded by is but transient. It is never static, it has never stopped changing and will always continue to do so. To me this is a much more exciting way to present life, history, evolution, religion and science.
Similarly it baffles me that in religious circles children are still being encouraged to blindly accept the authoritative interpretation of holy books instead of equipping them to engage with the narrative presented – to historicise the Holy writings and theologies and look at how they developed over time. To question how religions of other civilizations might relate to theirs, how the differ and how they might enrich each other. Are they not all a historical record of different groups of humans seeking the divine answers behind life? Different conceptions of God better explained by historicizing the cultural circumstances of their mental conditioning rather than as conceiving each other’s conception as deceptions?
What completely astounds me is why so many people are fixed on the question of Does God exist? and Whose God is the True God, and that gods are false?
Why is it so rare that in the Atheist/Theist debate no body stops to ask: What per say is “God”???
From religious to atheist, everyone can see there is some kind of unexplainable energy that causes atoms to split and allows for animals to adapt. Whether or not you choose to personify this force as many religions do, or to see the force in more abstract scientific terms, or even in terms of the more detailed (and complicated) reality of quantum physics, it seems that this is a sturdy platform from which interfaith dialogue, sharing and learning can begin.
Simultaneous to the Fundamentalist movements of the 20th Century, bastardizations of Darwin’s theory have continued. It seems that as we rejected Modernity’s meta-narrative and embraced Post-Modernity’s pluralism, we lost something important: the pursuit of Truth. A meta-narrative exists and even if we will never fully know this Truth it is still a worthwhile objective. Books from the 1920s like H.G.Well’s The Outline of History and Hendrick Willem Van Loon’s The Story of Mankind – vanished from the bookshelves and instead of teaching children history in perspective of our place in the universe and its 14 billion year history, segmented units of history and science are taught as if each have no bearing on the other.
I now return to my concept for this exhibition: The Animal Question.
It is hard not to see the overlap between plants and animals (eg plants that eat flies), between mammals and birds (eg birds that don’t fly), between mammals and fish (eg whales and dolphins) and in forms of life that transform before our eyes (eg caterpillars to butterflies). Evidence for evolution, and how life came about, but what does this say about why? What does this say about the other side of life’s coin?
Anyone who, like me, believes there may be more to life than meets the eye, must really consider what this animal question actually means…
How is our consciousness different to that of animals?
If we evolved from similar roots to animals then do animals also have a soul?
If animals also have a soul, then do plants have one too?
Where can you draw the line? Or is it possible that we all share one soul?
Most importantly, what does our relationship to animals and plants and the history of the universe tell us about the purpose of our short human lives?
What part to we play in the process of creative evolution?
How can we unite in collective identity of life?
How can we move towards our individual and collective potentials of infinite creativity???!
I’m late
Time is my most valued asset. Time is money. And money (in its intended design) is a store of time. Money effectively allows us to trade our time for the time of others.
Numbers in bank accounts provide me no pleasure. It seems to provide a deluded sense of security. Financial collapses happen too regularly to place all my eggs in that basket. I’ve just been learning about Argentina in the 90s – those digits can mean wealth one day and mean nothing the next. Accumulation of capital, anything material, or even digital, has little value to me – while time lost can never be regained.
I LOVE time alone. Time in silence. Time in chaos. Writing. Reading. Time spent deep in conversation. Time relaxing. Time eating. Time sleeping.
And there is nothing worse to me than time lost or wasted. Waiting in line. Sitting in traffic. Computers crashing. Cleaning up.
My choice of rabbit costume for my cousin’s Alice in Wonderland party was more than appropriate. In trying to maximise how I use my time I am often be running late or arrive just in the nick of time.
Strangely enough following this logic I actually like it when people are late or even when they blow off our plans (unless I’m hungry and I’m waiting for dinner) I feel like I’ve being given a gift – time I would otherwise not have had. If I’m at home this means time to clean up my messy papers, pay a bill, send an invoice – all the things I endlessly put-off ‘until tomorrow.’ If I’m out I always have a book in my bag and more than happy to sit in my car and read. Random yes I know.
I love the way sometimes time speeds up, and sometimes it slows right down. Sometimes I like to press pause – daydream, reminisce, go on a wild rollarcoaster ride of contemplation – and hit play again to realign my mind with the ticking clock.
This entry was initially inspired a few days ago when my yoga teacher told us about her friend’s parents house being destroyed by a fire. The girl got out with nothing but her mobile phone. Her parents were overseas and when she called them to tell them the news and they responded by saying: “We had too much anyway.”
“It makes you realise that the things that matter are the things that can’t be taken away from you,” her friend had said to her. “Friendships, knowledge, experiences, your yoga practice. Material assets are not what is most valuable in life… It really makes you think about where you put your time.” True words of wisdom.
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
It’s quite Taoist hey! Not really what you expect in the Christian Bible (one of many unexpected things you can find in there) The whole of this short book of Ecclesiastes is an interesting and slightly depressing rant about the meaning of life – times haven’t changed as much as we’d like to think.
To conclude this messy rant about time I would like to say that there really is a time for everything. And as you all know I think it’s about time for peace.
“I have an excellent idea – let’s change the subject!”
My blog has gotten a quite intensely serious. Religion, philosophy and peace talk. Interesting but reflective of the subjects going on in my mind, it has become a little draining. Or maybe today I’m just a little tired. Either way I do believe I should listen to the March Hare’s excellent idea – and change the subject.
So… a question… at the end of a long relaxing shower do you ever turn the hot to off and blast yourself with cold water?
This is seriously one of the most invigorating things in the world. It’s like having ten cups of coffee – your mind becomes alert, your body stands tall and you say to yourself “YEAH BABY!” Well I do anyway. It snaps me into action. It’s like changing the subject in the middle of an intense conversation and starting a new one from scratch. For a short 30 seconds or 15 when I’m a wuss, all I think about is the feeling of cold water touching your skin, and noticing what it does to the rest of my body.
When I find my mind in a strange airy fairy place it is not until I change the subject per say, that I realise why. I realise then what has caused my mind’s confusion. There are few little things in my life that make all the difference to my mind’s coherence:
A walk – be it short or long – clears the mind.
A pilates or yoga class – be it a 20 min dvd or an hour and a half bikram class – reconnects the mind with the body.
And one of these cold bursts in the shower – makes all the wishy washy bullshit my mind has been pondering over disappear.
When I do these three things and the clouds part and the sun shines.
I’m going to keep this in mind this week and when I’m bored or tired or confused or irritated or over-it I’m simply going to change the subject.
Journey of an Inquisitive Christian
It is up to us individually to question everything we are told, everything we read and even those things we see and feel. We must always consider the source of our information, and what were those sources are influenced and motivated by.
When we read the Bible, we must consider the author, the author’s sources and the author’s sources’ sources. What were these people’s motivations and influences? In what context were they written, and what did the author’s original words and sentences mean to him.
We must consider various theological and historical perspectives of translations and adaptations through the passage of time, how and why we interpret these passages in the way we do, and are there alternative interpretations which may be more accurate to the intentions of the writer, or to the way God may intend us to be inspired by these words today.
This process of questioning isn’t easy. It not only takes a lot of time. It can involve a roller coaster of emotions. It can cause conflict within yourself, as you question the roots of how you understand the world. It can cause conflict within social groups, even between you and family members. For me it was all these things. And so here, in hope of easing the pain of anyone else that might be facing the same dilemma, I offer my story:
Chapter 1 – Introduction Click here
Chapter 2 – Is the Bible the “Word of God”? Click here
Chapter 3 – Is Jesus Christ the “Son of God?” Click here
Chapter 4 – Discussing the contradictions Click here
Chapter 5 – What does this mean for my life today? Click here
Chapter 6 – My conclusions Click here
Please excuse the quality of my writing – these were written between 2007-2008 and my writing skills have improved a lot in more recent years…
Extras:
From a diary in 2000 Click here
This is a script copied from a piece of paper I found that considering what it talks about I date it back to some time in 2000. It provides an interesting insight into just how much a person’s mind can change in a matter of 10 years…
My Thunderbolt Moment Click here
This is an account of my journey that might be more coherent check out this one I wrote as an appendix to my masters thesis which was entitled An Ethical Dilemma: Childhood Conversion in Christian Fundamentalism.
Link to a PBS documentary Click here
This documentary presents what seems to be a non-biased scholarly exploration of early Christianity – I particularly recommend the first few chapters of Part Two which looks at the writers of the gospels, their sources and their motives.
Over to you…
Being a Christian seems comes down to two key things:
1. Loving God – which means loving the universe, our planet, all life
2. Loving our Neighbours - who for all intensive purposes are no different from another version of yourself.
That is the WAY Jesus envisaged. That is the TRUTH Jesus preached. That is the LIFE Jesus offers.
This is not supernatural, not elitist, and not discriminatory; it is completely natural, allows for constant questioning, and the only hell it refers to is the hell-on-earth that results from not loving each other and not loving our planet.
That concludes my journey so far. I wish you all the best in your religious journeys, and if you care to share some of it with me – I’d love to about it!
Things aren’t always what they seem
Back at bikram yoga yesterday I looked back into the big horrible mirrors and smiled – my tummy looked thin and flat. This was only my third class and I was already getting great results. Then I stepped to the left and the image changed before my eyes. My tummy was round and tubby again. What the…??? I tested a few more locations on the mirror and confirmed it – THE MIRROR WAS WARPED.
Neither the fat version nor the thin version was me. Yet at the same time both were me. Even if neither reflections were completely true, they were both attempts at displaying the truth. I suppose when you consider light and angles, no mirror ever provides an entirely accurate reflection of reality. A still mirrors are a useful instrument – better something than nothing.
Similarly when it comes to way we interpret the world around us. We all tell ourselves a story of some sort in order to explain our existence and purpose. We define ourselves with stories to give us a sense of identity, help us understand who and what we actually are. Do we know any of these answers? Do any of our stories provide us a absolute understanding of reality? I doubt it. But they are still important. I enjoying having a mirror (no matter how accurate) to judge if I’m looking fat or thin and similarly the stories I am surrounded by provide me an understanding of my consciousness – the accuracy is somewhat beside the point.
“Change the way you see things, and the things you see will change.” My yoga teacher said.
I started thinking about our individual perspectives of what we see around us – none are actually a true reflection of reality either. They are interpretations of reality – everything is an interpretation. Everything is relative – only a reflection of the absolute – never providing a complete understanding of the absolute itself.
Same with all our narratives really. We can tell the same story, with the same facts, in completely different lights. It’s our choice what light or angle we are going to put on it.
Just compare the documentary Zeitgeist to what I’m learning about Political Economics. Both are talking about the same thing – what Zeitgeist describes as a shocking system of social slavery Capitalism promotes as “good economics” and an “efficient distribution of resources.” Both are describing the same facts: a system of value-less paper we call money and a few people at the top owning the world, pulling the strings while the people at the bottom work to pay off mortgages. Two versions of the same facts. Like my thin and fat reflections, both were reflecting me but neither entirely accurate. Things aren’t always what they seem.
Introduction
Christianity has played a significant and dynamic role in my life. I was born into a Christian family and had a strong “Christian faith” until I was 20-years old and learned about the Crusades, the Inquisition, the pagan traditions it copied and the political powers that edited and produced the Holy Bible I had cherished and trusted so much.
This was a confronting moment. Traumatic to say the least – my entire world-view fell apart. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. Very soon after this I left Australia to see the world.
Although I had rejected the religion I continued to feel a relationship, a strong connection, with the divine magic behind life – which I continued to personify as “God”. When I returned to Australia I struggled to relate to my family and friends, who continued to see the world through the Christian lens. If I talked about other cultures, religions and the possibility of pre-historic civilisations, it was like talking to a blank wall – as if anything outside the reality the Bible paints, was a reality that could not be seen, heard or contemplated.
I found myself in a unique position. I completely understood how they were feeling – I had felt that before. I understood what they were thinking – I had thought that way before. And I was still open to what they were saying. I doubted I would ever return to being an exclusivist Christian – believing my truth is the ONLY truth and that everyone else was going to hell – but my heart was open to revisit Christianity. I wanted to evaluate it from a critical intellectual big picture perspective. It seemed that everyone in the world was trying to convince me to believe what they believe. From militant Atheists trying to convince me there is no God through to militant Christians trying to convince me their God was different from everyone else’s. Was evolution a fact, or a theory? Everyone was convinced one way or the other, but what was the evidence for each perspective?
I felt I owed it to my Dad to give the beliefs he so passionately follows one last really good try – investigate the “facts” and critically analyse whether they stood up to the “facts” that surrounded them. “SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE” I screamed out to the world.
Time is the greatest barrier to searching for our own answers to our questions. We lead busy lives and we can’t learn and do everything we want to – so we just accept what other people tell us, and move on. But moving in with my Opa I had been given this gift: the gift of time. Time to seek answers. I wanted to share this gift with others. So I made a decision: I would document all my questions and all the answers. I had no agenda – I didn’t want to convince anyone of anything – all I wanted was to distinguish what was true from what was false.
Never in my life have I ever stopped praying. Even at the point in my life where I was completely skeptical about God and had deemed my prayer an ignorant practice of indoctrinated fools – I continued to pray. It made me feel good. It comforted me. And it seemed more than coincidence that my prayers SO often were answered.
I prayed to God that “He” would direct my search: bring me the books, the websites, the people, that “He” wanted me to talk to. Something deep inside me told me this was my mission – that God had placed me in this unique position for a reason, and that “He” wanted me to undertake this search and document everything in an unbiased, non-misleading, completely honest way.
I wondered about God’s plan for my life. As an ugly schoolgirl with braces, pimples, glasses, a puppy-dog fringe and fundamentalist Christian beliefs, I clearly remember standing there in my room and saying to God:
“Please make me a model. Then I will do anything you want. Imagine if I was famous and beautiful, just imagine what we could do together – how many people we could bring to you. God my life is yours to do with what you please. But PLEASE make me a model.”
God had fulfilled his end of the deal and now it was my turn. Achieving my modeling dreams did change my life – mainly because it made me realise that absolutely ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. As you have probably noticed by reading any of my writings this realisation and motto has remained with me throughout my life.
‘There are some things you just can’t know.’ ‘If you could actually prove something then everyone would believe – it all comes down to faith.’ ‘I wish you would hurry up and finish searching – you just never know when you might die – I worry about where you will end up.’ ‘Does it really matter?’
I appreciated my family’s loving concern for my eternal life but I can’t abandon my quest for real answers, my quest for TRUTH. It is important. If there is an eternal life then I want to be there but I don’t want to dedicate my entire life to something that is man’s creation not Gods. Questioning is a scary idea – not only because of what might happen in the interim, but I think also because of the fear we might discover an answer we don’t wish to discover. There is also an accumulated fear embedded in the history of Christianity, where questioners were declared ‘heretics’ and expelled from the congregation, or worse. At least now I was able to question without having my head chopped off.
I know I will never learn everything there is to know, or have all my questions answered, but I also knew I could get nearer to the truth than where I was. If I was going to have faith, it was not going to be a blind faith, it was going to be a defined faith, with awareness of which writers, politicians and theologians I was putting my trust in. I needed to get serious.
Beginning my search I was faced with information overload, with one question leading to ten and every website or book directing me to myriad more perspectives. I did the Alpha course and asked questions there. I did John Dickson’s Simply Christianity course with a very knowledgeable family friend, developed more questions and contemplated the varying answers. Returning to university I made friends with theologians, religious professors and philosophers.
After now two and a half years of searching and reflecting, I reduced this mass of questions and answers to two questions:
1. Is the Bible the “Word of God”? Click here
2. Is Jesus Christ the “Son of God?” Click here
A scrap of paper from 2000
It was the year 2000, my first year out of school and first year of university. I would have been 17 or 18 years old.
My strength at this time came from my strong faith in God.
I went to church on Sunday nights, taught children’s Sunday school on Sunday mornings. Friday nights were youth group at church and once a week on the evening i went to a bible study group at someone from the church’s house. On top of all of this I had daily private times where I would read the bible or a biblical book and I would pray. I was told how I should live my life. I also did my best to obey all the commandments and teachings from the bible, including giving about 10% of the money I earned. I believed and obeyed everything I was told.
A scrap of paper I found and dated to sometime in 2000 reads:
“I love my Mum and I love my Dad. I love my sisters as well as my relatives and every one of my friends. I love God. God loves me. God loves every person so much that he sent his son to suffer, living hell after dying on a cross, just so that I may live eternally. this is the key to becoming a Christian, accepting God’s grace, through faith, so that when I die I know that I will live eternally in heaven.
This gives me feelings of peace as it shows that the eighty so years on earth, in perspective are so small and eternity so long, that we must always remember what is important is to love God and love others.
God loves me and has blessed me a thousand billion times and with my life I want to strive to please him.
I thank God every day for my blessings, for everyone that I know, for the fact that I can know them, love them and I thank him so much that they love me in return. I have said this to God every morning when I wake up for as long as I can remember and I will always as nothing can change this.
When I die I wish that everyone that knows me can know how much I love them and how much God loves them.
I hope that through my death, others can come to know Christ. If I could die tomorrow and my friends would come to know the love of God, I would without a second thought. When i die I hope everyone can rejoice over the life I lived and thank God for my life, as I do.
Everyone should rejoice in knowing that I will be eternally living with my God and will be waiting for them to join me.
What I want out of life
1. To please God and do his will. he has a plan for my life and he knows the best way (He created me so he must know!)
I know that without God I can achieve nothing, so why try to control my life without him? All it leads to is dissatisfaction. Look at Mariah Carey, for example, you would think she would be satisfied as she has everything materialistically you could ask for: money, guys, fame, talent… yet she tried to kill herself. She was unsatisfied. Materialism can only satisfy you to a point. There will always be a huge hole without God. Thus I wish to follow him and let Him do what he can. i trust that he has a plan and will lead me to a satisfying life.
2. Friends and family
I hope that my friends and family can be happy, healthy and also live satisfying lives on all levels. Especially that they will come to know God.
3. Materialistically and selfishly
I’d like what everyone wants: money, fame, love, nice house etc! No seriously… I want a job that I enjoy – working with great people and being able to support myself with a good income. I want to meet a guy, love him with all my heart and marry and have a happy marriage with God in the centre. We will live in a nice house, possibly with a couple of kids (eventually), have great holidays etc. Our kids will grow up to be also strong Christians. I will put my family before”
It finishes there and I can’t find the next page.
In fact, this is the only piece of writing that I have from this time in my life. It does a good job in summarising my mind at that time. I read this and I smile, laugh at the Mariah Carey commend, then cringe and feel my stomach turn. My innocent mind: pure, kind and loving – but so naive, indoctrinated and, excuse my language, fucked up.
This year brings tears to my eyes to think about – I gave every part of myself to everyone around me, and everyone around me took and took, like vampires on their prey. Noone realised the pain they put me through. At the time, not even I was aware.
To read about my journey from the very conformist fundamentalist Christian worldview above, into the questioning Christian / spiritually Buddhist / peace-loving Atheist I might classify myself today, check out:
My Thunderbolt Moment Click Here
And for Christians who haven’t had the time to question, I documented my questions, answers and my contemplation of the contradictions, which you can read here:
Further Reading:
Chapter 1 – Introduction Click here
Chapter 2 – Is the Bible the “Word of God”? Click here
Chapter 3 – Is Jesus Christ the “Son of God?” Click here
Chapter 4 – Discussing the contradictions Click here
Chapter 5 – What does this mean for my life today? Click here
Chapter 6 – My conclusions Click here