“Ok Andressa, how much to fly to Brazil for carnaval? Via New York? How about via Mexico? Ok, how about I just go to Mexico and make my own way there? … How about Africa? Tasmania? Uluru?”
In the span of one week I have gone from planning a four-month vacation in Central America, Columbia & Brazil; to volunteering at a school in Rwanda; to a six-month trip around Australia discovering Indigenous world-views in Aboriginal communities. I’m not usually indecisive. Typical me would be to already be on a plane to Central America with a ticket booked to return me a day before I go back to uni. Farewell me lovelies.
But I’m still tired. I tell myself to chill out, take time making these decisions. My Opa’s death has been tough. I have six weeks or so until his house (that I live in) will go on the market so there’s no hurry. I need to be patient with myself. But anyone who knows me knows patience just ain’t my thing.
On Friday I applied for a 12-month lease on a studio apartment in Paddington. Ok, I know that once I do this, once I move into the city, set up house, finalize PhD enrolment (my proposal was accepted to start mid-2010!!!) and find a Pilates studios in my new neighbourhood, I will be locked in. Committed. At least for a while…. I ask myself: can I do that???? Can I commit?
What is it about commitment? Why is so damn hard? Why is it that we have so many options? And why does selecting one option always seem to involve turning down another? If I buy this top I forgo that dress. If I go to Africa, I can’t travel Australia. If I set up home in Paddington then I can’t go to Brazil. I can’t do everything.
I believe that “we can have our cake and eat it too” – just not at the same time. You can have it and look at it and adore it, but you may as well eat the frick’in thing before it goes stale.
I can go to Brazil in January, travel Australia in April, and move into the city in July. But that sounds exhausting. So what if I want to go to Rwanda and I want to go to Brazil and I want to travel Australia and I want to move to the city – all at the same time?
In the world of quantum physics you can do all and you can do them all at the same time. All possible scenarios exist in alternate dimensions.
“Phew! That’s a relief!” I say to myself. It does take the pressure off a little. We CAN do all the things we want to do, without forgoing the other. It’s only the restrictive components of our brains that restrict our awareness to a single dimension. My simple conscious will only experience one of these scenarios, but my greater conscious experiences them all…. at least on quantum levels anyway.
So I question which scenario I wish to experience in my present conscious. If my lease application is accepted I am thinking I’ll give the “staying still, settling down” thing a go. I’ll try out the “normal” life: working, studying, paying rent, paying bills, having a social life… re-opening up a whole new can of challenges and stresses, and a whole new world of possibilities.
That being said, who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll be writing you from Africa.