Skip to main content

Seek Understanding

Written by Juliet Bennett
Leave a Comment

Even the most obscure ideas and actions come from somewhere. Rather than getting defensive, attacking, or ignoring, I recently read a good tip: seek understanding.

David Harvey writes: “It is irrelevant to ask whether concepts, categories and relationships are ‘true’ or ‘false’. We have to ask, rather, what it is that produces them and what is it that they serve to produce?” [1]

Thich Nhat Hanh elaborates a similar point with a metaphor: “When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change”

The idea of seeking understanding rather than trying to change, is the key to change.

This applies to religious trying to convert atheists, to atheists trying to convert religious, or anyone looking at someone else with opposite belief systems or value systems to them-self; it applies to looking at criminals and to lawyers; to men and women, Venus and Mars, and to anyone doing any action or maintaining any institution that you find loathsome, incomprehensible or outright strange.

There is a reason that a person thinks what they think and does what they do. Even  sociopaths and psychopaths have some kind of justification for their actions – justifications which have developed through some kind of process.

Look at the outside influences and ask: who gains?  Seek understanding of the reasons for the strangeness, without blame, and (according to the book I’m reading) this is the key to change.

EG – how do you understand the situations below?

References:

[1] David Harvey 1973 p 298; quoted in David Pepper, The Roots of Modern Environmentalism (London: Routledge, 1989).)

Truth

Flux, Fluidity and Turning Thirty

Written by Juliet Bennett
Leave a Comment

What does it mean to have existed on a planet for thirty rotations around a sun? A sense of temporality set in.

A week ago, as I went for my first morning walk as a thirty-year-old, I felt a sense of relief, a sense of excitement and a sense of fulfillment. After what feels like four years of growing anticipation (weighted by the 2012 Mayan Prophecies, the “4-years go” campaign, and an interrelated growing eco-social conscience), I had arrived. I wrote in my diary:

“My twenties were great – packed with so many different worlds and experiences. Yet I don’t think I’ve been as content in my own skin as I feel in this moment. I’m healthy and happy in mind, body and spirit. I’m working in an area that makes me feel good, with people who are incredibly inspiring, and I have wonderful friends and the most supportive family I could ever hope for.

I also feel a sense of unattachment, of truly accepting the flux of life. Nothing, nothing, is forever.

Fact: in the flash of an eye I will be 60, and then 90, and then I will die.”

The last 30 years have flown by. We each share the experience of a fleeting life: through childhood, teens, twenties, thirties… sixties… nineties… well some of us get to.

Each bracket, a stage in life, a bunch of society-driven expectations attached to it. We can accept these social goals, or we can reject them; we can make them our own and judge ourselves by them, or define new ones and measure ourselves against that…

A pendulum swings: conform — conflict; conflict — conform; conform — conflict. And through these oscillations, through the conflict and conformity multiplied by billions of decisions made by each of us each day, the world changes. The pendulum evolves into different shapes and forms… and the swinging continues.

At times I feel overwhelmed by the smallness of my “self” – one human in a world of 7-billion; a drop of water in the ocean; a speck of sand on the shore; a tiny expression of life in a massive complex system of people, institutions, and life systems, on a planet within a vast emptiness and complex universe of its own.

I am nothing… and yet I am something pretty special.

‘”Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but earth remains forever. The sun rises and he sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises… There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.’ (Ecclesiastes 1:2-11)

Is life is meaningless and futile? For some, yes it is. Is there a purpose, some value from our toil? Yes, for others this is so.

We create meaning, we narrate a purpose, we act, and the consequences of those actions are the fruits or poisons for the “Self” that lives on.

“We can’t change the way things are, so we may as well enjoy it,” a friend with similar critiques of the world but with a few extra years of cynicism, justifies his decision to pursue pleasure and avoid self-sacrifice. As we “grow up” we seem to lose touch with the child inside us that screams “I want to make the world a better place.”

The institutions and fear-driven concerns swallow us alive. One throws up their hands and says:”What difference can I make?” A voice answers: “Nothing – you can’t change the injustices that cause exploitation of the “third-world” and of our planet.” Another voice answers: “Yes, you can.”

Whether you choose to see it or choose to ignore it: everything is changing. Right now the world is changing. Just as you are changing and so am I. In each moment of each day. Whether you do something or whether you do nothing, in your choice to conflict, or choice (or default) to conform, you are changing the world.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uw4abs27pTo[/youtube]

Are you changing it in the way you desire? Or are others controlling your part of the change? That’s hard to say, even for those who think they are pulling their own strings. Our strings are tangled up in each others’. Each person has an affect on the people around them, each species affects the rest of life. We are all changing the world, whether we like it, know it, want to, or not.

“Don’t compare your life to others’, you don’t know what their journey is about.”

At the turn of a new decade of my life, a time where many of my friends from school are married with children – living a very different journey to mine – I find this advice (caught from a random post on Facebook) particularly useful. And a couple of other pieces of advice from a site I randomly came across[1]:

  1. Friends really do come and go. Some come back. Some don’t. That’s OK.
  2. Nobody cares about you as much as they care about themselves.
  3. Animals kill to survive. Humans kill for “fun” (also know as a psychopath) or because they’re ignorant of the consequences of their actions.
  4. It’s OK to be different.
  5. You’re not as different as you think.
  6. Most people won’t agree with you.
  7. The people who really care will still care whether they agree with you or not.
  8. You don’t need anybody’s support to make things happen.
  9. Arguments are pointless. You can’t change anyone, don’t try.
  10. People will rationalize and justify anything and everything to be “right.” Let them.
  11. It’s easier to take a small action now instead of a big action “some day.”
  12. Some day never comes.
  13. It’s OK if you don’t like something. Just don’t pretend that you do.
  14. Don’t listen to anybody who tells you “you’re missing out” by not going somewhere or doing something. You’re only missing out if you believe you’re missing out.
  15. Don’t think of cost. Think of value.
  16. Stop depending on other people.
  17. It’s OK to complain sometimes. Don’t make it a habit.
  18. Do what you love even if you don’t get paid for it.
  19. Stop texting or checking your phone when you’re with other people. It’s rude and it’s sad.
  20. Drink more water.
  21. Memories are priceless. Write them down daily. Even if they seem trivial.
  22. Show gratitude.
  23. Make more mistakes.
  24. Everybody lies. Trust people anyway.
  25. Define your own rules for success. It’s a lot easier to rule your world than someone else’s world.

As I look back over my twenties I see I achieved the dreams of my teenage years: I fell in love, I modelled, I travelled, and I learned about the world. I also developed skills in myself that back in my teens I didn’t dream were possible: writing (English was my worst subject at school), photography (I was a “mathematical” person, destined for a career in accounting not creativity), Pilates teaching (as a teenager I couldn’t even touch my toes), public speaking (my whole body used to shake, ok maybe sometimes it still does…)

I wonder if my thirties will bring to life the dreams of my twenties, and what things I have not yet dreamed might surprise me along the way.

Learn from the past, plan for the future, live in the present – this moment is the greatest gift we will ever receive, so make the most of it.

[1] I took my favourites from the 101 lessons written by Karol Gajda reflecting on his 29-years of life:  http://www.ridiculouslyextraordinary.com/101-life-lessons/

 

 

Peace

Am I a Feminist?

Written by Juliet Bennett
Leave a Comment

“There are three problems in this world…” Sekai Holland opened her speech “1. men, 2. men, and 3. men.” [1]

“Feminism” is an interesting word. In my ignorance it used to bring to mind images of men-hating women demanding to work, wear suits, and take off their bras. The idea of studying feminism or being a feminist was as foreign to me as studying astronomy and being an alien. Born in 1982 I missed the fight for women’s rights and, without giving it a moment of appreciation, I have reaped the benefits of it.

In time and with education, my understanding of the most successful movement of last century has evolved. I am now filled with gratitude to the courage of feminists: their fight for women’s respect, for women’s right to vote, and for women to have more say in the direction they want to take their lives.

One look at the political and corporate world we see the difference they have made – the scene has clearly changed since the days of Mad Men. Australia even has a female Prime Minister! That being said there’s still the long way left to go – women’s salaries are still far lower then mens, and the % of men to women in roles of governance and corporate rule are still not in a good way.

With these ideas running through my mind, I find myself wondering: am I a feminist?

Given I like men, hate suits, and appreciate a good bra, there’s a part of me that finds this a strange question to be thinking about.

Yet without a doubt when it comes to equality of wages and opportunities, protection from rape, power to choose divorce, abortion, playing sports, and bounds of research has found that the feminine approach to most matters is more peaceful than the masculine, it would seem that I am a feminist. Why then do I feel so weird about this word?

It is most likely inherited from a backlash against feminism via the media re-framing the movement after the war. Bell Hooks talks briefly about it here:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQUuHFKP-9s[/youtube]

Sure I understand the argument for “traditional roles”: looking after the children, cleaning, cooking – these are important and rewarding tasks for humans. But I don’t think this need be specifically a woman’s roles. I’d be quite happy if my partner were a “stay-at-home-Dad” if it meant I could continue to research and write while he did the housework.

The big problem I have with feminism is that I don’t like polarising men. They’re not all bad 😉 And those that are, it’s not their fault. We have all been “thrown” into this “white supremacist capitalist patriarchy” world. It’s not a fixed state, but is changing as I type, and as you read. In the past violence may have the best way to solve conflict, and to maintain peace within a society.

Now, survival of those fittest (as in “best-suited”) for our changing global environment, requires intuitive, long-term, non-violent means to end cycles of violence, get rid of nuclear weapons, and develop agricultural and economic structures that suit our holistic needs as a species. The yin, the feminine, needs to weave it’s way back into the spheres of society that have been too long dominated by yang, the masculine.

So, in answer to my question: am I a feminist? If I’m honest with myself, ignoring the stereotype and the fact that I might be categorised as a humanist, a panentheist, and many other “-ists” as well, I suppose I have to say yes – I am a feminist— I like living in a world where women are treated (almost) equally to men, and the more equal women and men are treated throughout the world, the better a world it will be.

References:
[1] My colleagues were in Zimbabwe announcing Senator Sekai Holland as the recipient-to-be of the 2012 Sydney Peace Prize.

 

 

Academic, Truth,

Carnaval in July

Written by Juliet Bennett
Leave a Comment

Imagine millions of people on one street – dancing, singing, wearing bright clothes, drinking, kissing… that is Brazil’s Carnaval. No exaggeration, it must be the greatest party on this planet. This year I’ve decided to throw my own little version of it in Oz: Carnaval in July.

[1]

Ok, so I may as well admit it, it’s for my 30th birthday. I’ll blog about my (second) “quarter life crisis” some other time. Today I thought I’d use my blog to provide guests and anyone else who may be interested a brief introduction to Carnaval (intentionally spelled Portuguese way with an ‘a’ instead of ‘i’), and a hint as to what guests of my Aussie version might expect.

History:

Briefly, Carnaval was somewhat imported from Europe – evolving out of the pre-Lent Balls held 46 days before Easter. It has deeper roots in a pagan festival that was adapted to Christianity as a way to farewell bad things / repent for one’s sins. It started in 1600s in the form of small parties for the Portuguese elite, and has spread from city to city, increasing its duration and its numbers exponentially. It’s great for the Brazilian economy, so why not? Go to the Brazilian Carnaval page on Wikipedia for more.

Carnaval in Salvador, Bahia: 

In the picture above you can see one bloco (the truck in the middle) that is playing music. The people in the centre of the road have tickets to the bloco party and will bop their way along with it for the next hour or two. Along the side of the roped areas are the pipoca (literally, popcorn). Inside the buildings that line the street, and in temporary constructions in front of others, people watch the parade from the sidelines in the all-you-can-eat/drink camarotes that line the sides of 25 kilometres of Salvadorian streets.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc2brVorYV8[/youtube]

This is what I felt when I was amongst it a few years ago:

“I couldn’t help but think of us humans, once again, as ants. In the middle of an ant colony, I felt like a queen. Streets like rivers, people like particles of water, and the particle I encompass, a drop at the top of the fall. Veins inside a body, and I a cell observing from the heart. A solar system of solar systems, I a spot on the sun. Every face smiling and laughing. Everybody dancing, enjoying this moment. The party upstairs was small. VIP. The party inside the party inside the parade of parties inside the biggest party in the world. The littlest Russian doll in this Russian Doll of parties.”[2]

Hard to beat? Yes, but Rio just might….

Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro:

Samba competition:

The more world-famous image of Carnaval is the huge samba competition that goes down in Rio:

“A colourful parade of samba floats, each with their own theme, passed through the stadium. From jungle themes, to dancing monks, to hell, heaven, native Indians, and everything in between. The dancing was incredible, the costumes were breathtaking, and the dancer’s bodies — incredible. We danced from the stands. The competition starts late and finishes around 4 or 5am in the morning. Float after float, parade after parade. ‘Carnaval — Rio or Salvador, which is best?’ Steve asked. I shook my head. ‘They are too different. Salvador is a parade of parties that goes for miles. But this is all those parties in one space.’

Like an ant colony to an anthill.”[3]

Street parties:

Better still Rio has bloco parties running down various streets in almost every neighbourhood, with quirky names like “Imprensa que Eu Gamo” (“Press me and I’ll fall for you”). The “popcorn” party-people follow the bloco down the streets, sometimes ending up at the beach for a swim, food, before joining another bloco. These street fiestas are free, beer from street vendors is cheap, the music is great, and the atmosphere can’t be beat.

A sample of the craziness from “Me Beija que sou Cineasta” (“Kiss me, I’m a film-maker”):

Huh? Yes, random. 

Carnaval in July:

Based on the above, my adaptation will include:

Dress:

Tends to vary depending on the bloco. For Carnaval in July think American Halloween parties with costumes from pirates and policemen to devils, nuns and cross-dressers, masks, wigs, glasses and hats of all shapes and sizes. Pretty much anything goes, so long as it’s wild, colourful and crazy.

Drink:

Street vendors sell Brazilian beer that goes down like water; creamy pineapple and cachaça iceblocks that are far more potent than they look; or mixed into caipirinha (with lime) or caipifruta (cachaça with crushed fresh fruits and ice). Açaí is like chocolate berries in an icy creamy smoothy delight… I doubt I’ll be able to source any of this for Carnaval in July. Maybe next time… this time is BYO.

Food:

Food in Brazil is incredible, though I can’t remember eating during the actual Carnaval parties. Everyday standard is rice and beans with beef and salad. I live above a kebab shop, will that do?

Music:

Mixture of samba drums, reggae, salsa, reggaton, pop, electronic, and more. Watch this famous Ivete Sangalo song Perere, and be ready…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd0ZEy7a18o[/youtube]

Beijos:

Carnaval ain’t Carnaval without them.

People & place:

I live in an awesome space with a big-ish courtyard, dance floors, bars and what-not… but it is still a limited. Hopefully a Goldilocks number of friends will turn up.

Maybe with the growing popularity of Zumba in Oz, and through that other Latin American dance, maybe just maybe one day Sydney will have it’s own blocos and camelotes, street parties, (affordable) açaí, Brazilian street food… I hope so. Or better yet, I hope to go back to Brazil for more of the real deal. Until then my “poor man’s” version will have to do.

 

[1] Creative Commons: This photograph was produced by Agência Brasil, a public Brazilian news agency. Their website states: “Todo o conteúdo deste site está publicado sob a Licença Creative Commons Atribuição 3.0 Brasil” (The content of this website is published under the Creative Commons License Attribution 3.0 Brazil)

[2] From Chapter 13.3 of My Brazilian (…and a kombi named Betty), by yours truly, publisher pending.

[3] From Chapter 14 of My Brazilian (…and a kombi named Betty), by yours truly, publisher pending.

Random Life Stuff

“Keep the best, forget the worst and add some more”

Written by Juliet Bennett
1 Comment

“Keep the best, forget the worst and add some more,” said Jon Elms, the lead singer of WHITECITYLIGHT, with a story to match his voice (both which I’ve hardly touched the surface of). I may have mentioned this before, or shown it by sharing their words, but let me say explicitly this time: I live with three incredibly inspiring people…

It was a response to discussions we were having with Jonny Gloss, the eyes and hands that designed, painted, sculpted and created this hidden-away converted-warehouse oasis. At this stage our chat-over-cider-then-tea was on the topic of inter-generational identification.

Have you ever noticed the way we define ourselves by our differences? You are brunette, I am blonde. You are smart, I am dumb. You are … I am …

Between generations this translates to adopting or rejecting our parent’s philosophies. Those with overly dictatorial parents become the most laisse fraire, to the extent that their children go abuse the freedom. Or they copy the dictatorial style. And vice versa. The balance, the in-between, is much harder to achieve.

Those with atheists for parents remain atheists or turn to religion. Those brought up in a religion stay in it or tend to completely reject it altogether. Children with dads who wear Billabong, cause the brand to go broke.

Jon’s solution, to “keep the best, forget the worst and add some more,” suits these situations where we choose what to take from our parents, what to forget, and how we might make it better. It also suits our definitions of our identity – taking from our own personality the best, working to rid ourselves of the worst, and continually exposing ourselves to new things and doing the same. Like Jonny’s motto from my last entry, a simple philosophy like this is useful in many situations.

If we constantly take the best from the past, or even taking the best from whatever is available to us in the present, and put the crap we don’t need in the trash, then add some more… who knows where we will end up.

Maybe this inspirational conversation had a direct relation to the exhibition we had just experienced: the phenomenal work of our third housemate Maddi Milasas. Maddi was exhibiting her group’s project that incorporates light, sound, space and technology to simulate an environment and play with the connections and disconnections of worlds and action.

Part of the Ghost[s] and the[ir] machines exhibition sharing interactive experiences of Cockatoo Island (in Sydney Harbour) with viewers (who are simultaneously participants and co-creators), Maddi and her team programed and built an simulated sound-scape that, well, like anything experiential, words can’t describe. With earphones on one got lost in a world apart, a world of one’s own.

The first time I felt lost in a bad way – as in “I don’t get it” and “I kinda feel like an idiot walking around this square not really know what I’m listening to” kind of way. Then after a chat about what I was hearing and doing, I understood: the sounds were constantly changing, like they do in every location, but they were still connected to the location where I was standing.

I put the earphones back on. This time I stood still for longer and moved around in way that registered the scene. I got lost in the sense of being absorbed into another world: my imagined version of a world that does exist in some form, on Cockatoo Island, but has been replicated through the interpretations including now my own. Through the sounds that I could hear as I walked around a square of 2 by 2 metres my mind constructed a world.

I now have a “memory” of this imagined world, as “seen” through sounds. Water rushing through a river. Birds chirping. Strong winds. Trees and scruffling. Were these the sounds I was meant to hear? No one knows, not even the creators.

There is no right or wrong. There was only my experience, and other’s experience, and all are slightly different – caused by the interaction of an “observer” who also had a few buttons to press and knobs to turn, which affected the “subjects” experience.

Oh I could philosophise this for hours! But I won’t. With Jon and Jonny I kind-of have already, and I’m sure I’ll continue to be inspired by the happenings of tonight. But I have an early start tomorrow: teaching Pilates to a couple of academics.

In closing I would like to say that I feel lucky to share a house with these creative spirits. And if you are anywhere near Sydney University in the next couple of weeks, check out Maddi’s exhibition inside of the Old Darlington School 20-24 June 2012 | 12pm-9pm.

Random Life Stuff

“Always Do, rather than Not-Do”

Written by Juliet Bennett
1 Comment

My friend has a philosophy: Always Do, rather than Not-Do. “You remember the things you do,” he explains, “but it’s not like you look back and reminisce all those nights sitting on a couch.”

Wednesday night was cold and rainy, but we made it to a free gig at Folk Club at Oxford Arts Factory. We did rather than didn’t-do. And I’m so glad… it was a memorable night. The music was magic.

Jack Carty was the first of the line up and in my opinion, while the other two artists – Wes Carr and The Falls – were great, Jack’s offered something else. His lyrics, energy and integrity… words cannot describe. There were two moments where I heard myself think “this is what it means to be human.”

There was a sense of authenticity, open and real and might I say spiritual, about Jack. He’d got in touch with a part of what (as cliche as it sounds) being alive, being human, is all about. I’ve had his CDs on repeat ever since.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQ-9z3Gfc0E[/youtube]

If you get a chance to check out Jack live, then DO.

Ditto for other decisions and options in your life. It’s a simple philosophy: “always do, rather than not-do” — you never know what will come out of it..

 

Random Life Stuff

“White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy”

Written by Juliet Bennett
1 Comment

The truth can hurt. It’s a harsh world, and a harsh critique: “White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy”. Unfortunately those four words capture a certain truth about our history and prevailing political and economical hierarchy of power.

These words come from American author, feminist, and social activist, Bell Hooks.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQ-XVTzBMvQ[/youtube]

Hooks uses the term “white supremacy” above “racism” as white supremacy ‘evokes a political world that we all frame ourselves in relation to.’

They say life is like a lottery: we don’t choose what year, culture or family that we will be born into. After being thrown into whatever world we are thrown, we engage in a dialectic between: (1) the “agency” we have, that is the choices we have power to make, and (2) the “structure” we are in, that is the external factors that limit those choices.

For Hooks, the violence that results from “White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy” ie racial discrimination, is an issue of institutions not individual relations.

Hooks argues that a proactive sense of agency requires a greater level of literacy

‘I think we cannot begin to talk about freedom and justice in any culture if we’re not talking about mass based literacy movements…. degrees of literacy determine so often how we see what we see… what it means for our lives.’

Hooks suggest that two dimensional conflicts can be transformed by asking: “how can we have a more complex reading?”  The four words put together “White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy” complicates the issues of freedom and justice.

According to Hooks the solution to combating the structural violence resulting from this structure, or the beginning of solutions, comes from learning to think critically and be critical vigilant of the representations that we come in contact with.

‘The issue isn’t freeing our selves from representations. It’s really about being enlightened witnesses when we watch representations. It’s about being critically vigilant about both what is being told to us and how we respond to what is being told.’

Extra reading:

On looking for a thumbnail (every blog entry needs a pic) I came across a blog entry with this diagram:

 

 

Key:

RS – Racial and Sexual Domination
Rs – Racial Domination
rS – Sexual Domination

 

 

 

 

 

Source: Charles W. Mills and Carole Pateman, Contract and Domination (2007)

Mills writes:

“… though gender [=sex] subordination predates racial subordination, once racial subordination has been established, it generally trumps gender… So the interaction of the two contracts does not produce a symmetry of race and gender subordination, but a pattern of internal asymmetries within the larger asymmetry of social domination. Whites as a group dominate nonwhites as a group, while within these racial groups me generally dominate women.” (pp.172-173)

Taken from blog: http://bandung2.blog.co.uk/2008/04/12/c-w-mills-on-racial-white-supremacist-pa-4033733/

Academic, Peace

Musings on Marriage

Written by Juliet Bennett
Leave a Comment

“I obviously support gay marriage under the principle that why should only heterosexuals suffer.” Jeffrey Eugenides.

“In thickening thighs and boring anecdotes, I now pronounce you man and wife…” Kathy Lette.

Watching the Writers Festival panelists on Q&A discuss the question of marriage, I was reminded of some old musings. I thought I’d already blogged them, but discovered I hadn’t…

There are two very different uses of the word marriage, which I think we often confuse: the socio-legal institution and the long-term relationship:

‘The debate about marriage rests on a fundamental confusion. The word “marriage” has two quite different senses. One is the socio-legal institution, which in effect amounts to a tripartite contract between a man, a woman, and the state. The other is the long-term committed relationship entered into voluntarily by people who, because of their affection for one another, wish to pool resources and share the joys and burdens of life… Most people who wish to marry in the second (relationship) sense assume they must do so by marrying in the first (socio-legal) sense.’[2]

In this day and age with prenuptial agreements and high divorce rates, is socio-legal marriage an obsolete construction? In a way, yes. But it still has some uses.

I think most people are more interested in a long-term commitment (though not necessarily till death) than the socio-legal institution. Of course there are others who are more interested in institution, often more so from a religious sense which defines marriage as between a man, woman and “God” (which let’s face it, tends to include a subtext of Church and State).

Why do we continue to involve the State? For the tax benefits, working visas, and security blankets?

Grayling connects the roots of socio-legal marriage to a ‘profoundly sexist financial arrangement’ originating with an aim ‘to constrain women’s sexuality and fertility so that men could be sure they were bequeathing their property to their own offspring.’[3]

I think these days the security blanket (and thickening thighs that often develop under it it) goes both ways, at least in countries where women have rights.

My favourite approach to marriage is a touch unconventional: a five year marriage. I think it should be a legal requirement that marriages need to be renewed every five years. It would mean that no one gets too comfortable and lets their anecdotes get too boring. I actually think divorce rates would decrease as people wouldn’t feel obligated and resentful toward the contract the self of their past once made. It would also mean that commitment phobes would relax, so maybe even the number of marriages would increase.

A good friend who married her German lover to make it easier for him to stay in Oz. Two years on they are still in love. A whimsical, risky, spontaneous marriage, using the socio-legal version for their own benefit. A realistic vow: “let’s see what happens”… If it doesn’t work, what harm has been done?

“I think we need to be more realistic about our wedding vows because usually it’s not, you know, in sickness and health and all that that breaks up marriages.” Kathy Lette continued to suggest. [1] I think it’s more realistic vows would be a big help. There’s only so much that the you in this moment, can promise for the you that will be in the moment in ten years time. You can do your best to honour the promise you made ten years ago, but I think it’s important to forgive one another if the terms of the promise, held in another time, are better to be broken.

As Grayling points out, ‘Marriage as a mutuality of true minds and tender hearts, so long as it lasts, is the happiest of states, whatever the number and gender of the parties to it; and the only effect that marriage in the socio-legal sense has had on marriage in this deeper sense, is usually to spoil it.’ [3]

I guess in my friend’s case the opposite occurred: the socio-legal allowed the long-term commitment to be given a chance.

According to Jeffrey Eugenides (author of The Marriage Plot) part of the problem is the disappearance of “limerence” which are the endorphins that make romance work at the beginning, but which have a used-by-date of two years, three at most. Jeffrey Eugenides notes “then you have to develop some other kind of attachment and if you don’t you really won’t make it together because you won’t have that dizzy, you know, crazy love feel the whole time.” [1] I think there are ways to keep limerence alive, but maybe that’s because deep down I’m a romantic and an optimist, and I don’t want to believe the passion might one day end.

I’m also part-realist. Whether we find more than one kind of attachment will probably be a determining factor when it comes to the Exit from the Relationship Freeway that we choose to take:

Barney Stinson: Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she’s in the shower.
Robin Scherbatsky: So, every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually yeah, I get that.
Barney Stinson: [ignoring what Robin just said] The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months – That’s when you guys [pointing at Ted and Robin] are gonna break up, mark your calendars.
Ted Mosby: Hey!
Robin Scherbatsky: What?
Barney Stinson: Then a year and a half, eighteen years, and the last exit: death, which, if you’ve been with the same woman for your entire life, it’s like “Are we there yet?”

I already wore my wedding dress – in a Yumi Katsura fashion show in 2006.

[1] Q&A Monday 21 May, 2012 http://www.abc.net.au/tv/qanda/txt/s3502530.htm BTW am I the only one that didn’t know Mark Zuckerberg ended up marrying his college girlfriend?

[2] A. C. Grayling, Life, Sex, and Ideas : The Good Life without God (Oxford ; New York: Oxford University Press, 2003). pp. 43-44.

[3] Ibid. p. 44.

 

Adventure,

Is success about good-looks, intelligence, talent or luck? Think again…

Written by Juliet Bennett
Leave a Comment

“99% of those individuals who achieve their goals do so not because they are especially talented, intelligent, good-looking or even lucky, but rather because they find the courage and guts to act in pursuit of their dreams and persist against setbacks.” [1]

I don’t know where Randel got this statistic from or whether it’s reliable, but it certainly is useful. Looks, talent, intelligence all have a big role to play in success, but the point Randel makes is that even if you have all these things, if you don’t have the courage to use them then they are worthless.

Even if you’ve been dealt the best hand of cards anyone could hope for, if you don’t bother to play them you’ll never going to win.

So short and to the point: dream, act, persist, and then dream some more…

 

Reference:

[1] Jim Randel The Skinny on Willpower: How to Develop Self Discipline

 

Did I really read this? Yes. God knows I need self-discipline, especially when it comes to chocolate.

Random Life Stuff